Chocolate Chip Muffins...Mmm...

Hiya kids! Today, we are going to talk about Smurfs. The Smurfs (Les Schtroumpfs) are a group of small blue cannibals who live in Smurf Village somewhere in the woods. They live in mushrooms and muffins. Smurfs regularly get abducted by rocks. Smurfs love to eat SARSparilla leaves and Smurfberries. Which after consuming, Smurfs will transform into a cocoon and will later turn into............the same dumb Smurf they were before. A Smurf has only two hobbies: annihilation and drugs. If you happen to venture into the forest when you have just decided to commit suicide there, a Smurf will eventually come up to you when you are just about to kill yourself. And it will help you do what you came to the forest to do in the first place. It will kill you with its Smurfberry muffins and shout the words "SCREW YOUR SMURFING MOTHER! Get me out of here!" into your ear until you go insane n crash into a tree...


...


But, one day, a man survived the vicious attack of the Smurfs.


He came back and told his story to the world. He was given the title "LuckyBastard No.1" And this was his story:
"I went into the woods to commit suicide. As I was going to do it, a little blue man came up to me and said :'Hi there! Do you want Marijuana?' I was so scared, I ran away. The creature looked like this..(and he drew a picture)":

And that is how a Smurf looks like. But they are now considered 'cute and helpful little creatures who do the job for you'. They also make very good bouncers and bodyguards. Since their appearance in the world, there have been TV shows about them, a clothing line, toys and many more. But all this commercial stuff is bullshit. Because once the sun goes down...................aliens will come.

“If I was green, I would die da ba dee da ba die.”
~ Smurfs on A Traditional Smurfmas Carol

“What a smurfing waste of space!”
~ Oscar Wilde

“What's the matter? We're just 101 tiny blue guys without shirts who wear condoms as hats!”
~ A smurf

“They're hats is red and they don't never use money, so they're's co-mu-nists. If the're's com-u-niests, they must be tay-uh-riests, and we gotta shoot em.”
~ A Redneck on smurfs


Smurfs are surprisingly easy to kill, although that dumbass Gargamel doesn't have the slightest idea how, as he is too geographically challenged to find one simple village.
1. Run over their village with a lawnmower.
2. Torch their village.
3. Come to their village in the middle of the night, and bury mousetraps under their village, sort of like a minefield. if they step on the wrong part of the ground, say "sayonara, you little bastards!"
4. Stomp on their village.
5. Unleash a pack of hungry cats on them.
6. Over the course of 18 months, perform all of the above actions. They will believe armagedon is upon them and flee to religious buildings. As your final act, flood their village with a garden hose.
7. Tell them you are a god and demand ritual sacrifice.
8. Disguise yourself as a Smurf. Assimilate with their community. Smurf with their woman. Over time, they will gain your trust, and then you smurf in their face.
9. Pollute their drinking water source with a magic potion that keeps them from saying the word "Smurf". This will cause them to assplode.
10. do sex with it.
11.send for 1'000'000 armies of Grues
12. throw their own confection of Smurfberry muffins back at them.






Diver is a Woofie!